Lawyer jokes made easy

This is almost too ridiculous to believe.

Elysha and I were driving through Hartford on interstate 84 when we saw a billboard advertising Lady DUI, an attorney who specializes in DUI cases here in Connecticut.

My first reaction: How is someone with a suspended license supposed to see this billboard?

Later that day I visited her website and found it to be even more surreal. Lady DUI, whose real name is Teresa DiNardi, has a video of herself on her home page that explains her law practice and her super catchy slogan:

Lady DUI: Because hope is not a strategy.

But take a peak at her video. It looks as if she is standing for a videotaped mug shot.

She says:

If you or a loved one has been arrested for DUI, you need a skilled attorney to represent you.

How about instead:

If you or a loved one has produced a video that makes you appear to be more of a criminal than your drunken, disorderly clients, you need help.  

And the website is a complete mess.  The seemingly random use of pink text is bizarre and there are a number of issues in terms of basic grammar throughout the site.  For example, the words Day and Night are capitalized as if they were proper nouns.

In her FAQ section, she lists this question:

What about getting to work? How am I supposed to pay my mortgage and my taxes?

Her answer:

The DMV does not care. The prosecutor does not care. As far as they are concerned, those are your problems and not theirs.

Is DiNardi implying that this policy is wrong?  Should the DMV and state prosecutors be concerned about a drunk driver’s ability to pay his mortgage?  Should state prosecutors be proving transportation to work for those who they convict of DUI?  Should the DMV think of theses mortgage and tax payments as their problem, too?

Had she lost her mind?

A minute after landing on the site, I was launched into an uninitiated chat session with one of Lady DUI’s minions.  He or she asked if I had any questions or if there was anything that I needed.  Though I was tempted to impersonate someone in need of an attorney, I decided against it.

In interviews with the NY Times and The Hartford Courant, DiNardi makes some claims that I found spurious at best.

A few of her more questionable quotes include:

My philosophy in representing the clients that come to me is that everyone drinks and drives. Only a hypocrite says they don't. I don't think of clients as bad people. You'd be surprised who gets arrested for DUI. It's a crime that has no intent. Some get caught, and others don't. I love my job.

Could this statement be more ludicrous?

First, let me say that I have never driven a car while under the influence of alcohol. I am sure that there are many, many others who can safely make this declaration as well. To imply otherwise is presumptuous and stupid.

Second, since when did driving while under the influence of alcohol become a crime without intent?  How does one unintentionally drive while under the influence of alcohol?

"Oops! I unintentionally came to the bar without a designated driver. I unintentionally drank six beers. Now I’m unintentionally behind the wheel of my Hummer, mowing down little children in the crosswalk. Forgive me! It was a crime without intent!"  

Or how about this bit of nonsense:

I have no regrets in my life. Having regrets is denying who you are.

Does Lady DUI pass this bit of wisdom onto her clients?

"Have no regrets, you drunken loser. Why regret running your car into a tree? Or a telephone pole?  Or into someone’s loved one? To regret your crime is to deny who you are: a drunken, dangerous idiot. Embrace your identity. Regret nothing."   

One last bit of stupidity:

Not to nitpick, but if you have the time, take a look at the last question on her intake questionnaire on the website. It reads:

Do you have dental work in your mouth?

I don’t know about you, but I have a policy of restricting dental work to my mouth.