My band of real life super heroes

Here is a list of some of my stranger super powers: I haven’t thrown up since the riding on the Music Express at Rocky Point Amusement Park in 1982.

I drank more alcohol from the age of 19-22 than most people drink in a decade, yet I’ve never had a hangover.

Despite this, I very rarely drink nowadays. It’s lost its luster for me. I prefer Diet Coke and apple juice. At breakfast one morning with Elysha’s parents, I ordered a large glass of apple juice. Her father said, “Apple juice? Who orders apple juice?”

I still don’t understand his question.

But I digress. Back to my strangeness.

I have never bruised. Not once. Despite having been injured more than anyone I know, including a car accident that sent me into the windshield and left me clinically dead for a few minutes on the side of a road, I escaped without a single bruise.

Many other life-threatening injuries, but no bruises. The doctors thought I was a freak of nature.

This ability to avoid bruising led me to form my own team of superheroes a while back. Sounds strange, I know, but I was in the midst of a divorce at the time, living alone in a crappy little apartment above a family that reeked of curry, and maintaining a serious relationship with a fictional character from a now defunct television series (which was outstanding during its one season). It was a tough time for me and anything to take my mind off my troubles was good.

So one evening I decided to start a band of modern-day superheroes. In order to join the team, all you had to have was a super power that was also somehow connected to a personal weakness or flaw. Like Superman. The fact that he came from the planet Krypton gave him his remarkable powers here on Earth, yet Kryptonite (a piece of Krypton) could kill him while he was on Earth.

Classic superhero motif.

I was and remain Mr. Indestructible. I cannot be killed (having been brought back from death twice already) nor can I be bruised, yet I tend to be hurt all the time. Golfer’s elbow. Bad knees. Frequent concussions. Strength and weakness tied together. Get it?

My friend, Bengi, was Ocular Man, since he has 20/10 vision and can see anything from about a mile away. But he is so frightened about getting water in his eyes (we can't swim for this reason) that he has to wear a hat with a brim during a rainstorm.

My buddy Shep was Mediocre Man. He can do just about anything, but he can’t do anything exceptionally well.

Had Elysha been in my life at the time, she might have been able to join our band as well. She can identify any song and artist within about three seconds of its playing. It’s freakish how quick she is. And her knowledge ranges from the Ink Spots to the Beastie Boys.

I sometimes wonder if she’s some kind of musical-identification savant.

If Elysha had made the team, her weakness could have been her poor sense of direction. She once headed for a restaurant’s kitchen, thinking it was the way to the exit, even though the door that we had entered (and would presumably exit) was in plain view of our table. This is but one example of her directional difficulties.

Still, I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

You may be wondering what the purpose was in forming this band of superheroes (other than to distract me from my misery).

That’s easy.

We planned on battling our evil nemesis, Gary (who is also my friend). I thought that Gary would play the role well. He seems kind of evil and he’s easy to anger. Getting him to battle us would be easy, I thought.

Alas, nothing ever became of my band of superheroes. Elysha entered my life and my sanity returned. But I still think about those brave souls, ready to give their lives in order to fight against evil Gary, with the fate of the world in the balance.

Those were good days.