Jumper-talker-downer for hire

Another job I wouldn't mind adding to my list of occupations is  jumper-talker-downer. You know, the ones who talk people out of jumping off buildings and bridges. I think I would be pretty good at it. Sincerely.

no jumping


I have the perfect skill set.

  • I like pressure.
  • I have no qualms about being the determiner of life and death.
  • I have a great perspective on death based upon my own life experiences.
  • I am quite convincing (one former student recently said that my ability to get a class to follow my lead is “magical”).
  • I don’t mind working odd hours.
  • I don’t get cold very easily, so sitting on a rooftop or hanging from a suspension cable in January wouldn’t be a problem.
  • I have a powerful voice (no bullhorn needed).
  • I could simultaneously offer life coaching to someone clearly in need.
  • I am not afraid of heights.
  • I compartmentalize well (for those less-than-successful days).

I know this may sound tongue-in-cheek, but I'm serious. I actually think I'd be excellent at this job.

Before accepting a position, I would have the following questions:

  1. What is the pay like? Is it an on-call rate, a per-jumper fee, or is there a retainer involved?
  2. How is job performance measured? Is there a rate of success that determines year-end bonuses? I can’t be expected to save everyone.  Right?
  3. How much credit will I receive when I save someone? Up to this point, these guys have not been getting enough publicity.
  4. Oh… good idea.  Does the department employ a publicist, and if not, can we look into hiring one?

That last question may have been a little tongue-in-cheek.