See these smiles? Look how happy this guy is!
Want to guess what he does for a living?
He is a member of the brave men and women of Pet Butler, a Boca Raton company that will send “technicians” to your home to remove animal feces from your property so that you will never have to pick up after your dog again.
Now those smiles make sense. Don’t they?
These are the professional pooper scoopers of the world.
In addition to the unique service that they offer, Pet Butler says that “You will be happy to know that every Pet Butler technician wears a clean and tidy uniform and our service trucks are very clearly marked so you will always know if Pet Butler is in your yard and driveway.”
There’s a strong selling point. Thanks to Pet Butler’s “clearly marked” vehicles, your neighbors will be made well aware of your decision to convert your once-pristine backyard into a temporary cesspool for dog excrement.
I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to see the Pet Butler truck parked in your driveway twice a week.
“Hey John! Why don’t you and the family stop by for some barbecue chicken and a little badminton tonight?”
“I don’t know, Bill. Doesn’t Pet Butler come to your place on Tuesdays and Fridays? I don’t think I want my kids running around your backyard on a Sunday. Can we reschedule?”
And how about those uniforms…
So difficult to discern the distinction between clean and tidy, since they essentially mean the same thing, especially when it comes to describing uniforms!
Oh, and if the trucks and uniforms weren’t enough to get excited about, Pet Butler has franchise opportunities available.
Or in their words:
“We have franchise opportunities available for all Entre-manures!”
And their mission statement reads:
“Pet Butler was founded in 1988 providing poo-fessional pet waste cleanup…”
And their online company tour begins with a link that reads:
What we “doo” (with quotation marks around the word doo, just in case you mistook the misspelling for anything but a pun)!
Not only is Pet Butler a professional waste cleanup company, but they are also quite capable and apparently rather fond of feces-related wordplay! Just what I want to see when evaluating the seriousness of a potential franchise.
And just in case you wanted even more poop-related wordplay, Pet Butler actually has a page where people can propose new, “family friendly” slogans, all centering upon excrement.
There are currently 89 new slogans listed, including such gems as "If your dog's a poopin', we'll do the scoopin'" and “We're #1 in the #2 business!"
All of this can be yours for the price of a clearly marked vehicle, a clean and tidy uniform, and presumably a few plastic bags.
Like Giana O. of Avon by the Sea, New Jersey says in her testimonial:
"Between work, kids and a husband, who has time to clean the dogs poop??? Not me but Pet Butler does!!"
Not only is Giana O. never satisfied with a single punctuation mark, but she makes a great point. Why not let your dog crap all over your yard, and then every few days have someone picked it up for a nominal fee? Sure, your yard will be laden with toxic landmines for the majority of the week, but Giana O. has kids, damn it.
And a job.
And did you notice?
She has a husband, too. And a husband who she included in a list with kids and work, so that guy must be a handful!
Or as Giana O. might says, a handful!!!!
It’s important to note that while I find Pet Butler an unusual business, I am not making fun of the people who actually perform the work.
Rather, I am making fun of:
1. Pet Butler’s customers, who can’t pick up their own dog’s poop and are willing to allow it to sit on their lawns for days at a time
2. The person or persons who wrote the copy for Pet Butler’s website, as well as the owners of the company who allow it to continue to represent their company.
Although in fairness, I got more pleasure in surfing their website this morning than I do from most network television programs. So in that regard, I should be at least a little thankful.
Thanks, Pet Butler! You’re Turd-rific!