It wasn’t as good as I remembered

Helen Slater’s physical appearance clearly had a lot to do with my thirteen year old appreciation for The Legend of Billy Jean. It just wasn’t that good.

After this evening viewing of the film, my wife said the following:

“Things like making sense didn’t matter when they made this movie”

“It had a moment of Are You There God. It’s Me Margaret. And a little bit of Teen Witch. And a lot of 80's. It was just bad.”

In addition to her observations, I also noted that:

  • All gunshots in the Billy Jean universe strike the shoulder region and result in simple shoulder slings.
  • Billy Jean’s inexplicable donning of a wet suit for her prerecorded “Fair is fair” message to the media was clearly done in deference to the zipper down the front of the suit and the director’s decision to leave it open.

Why a wet suit was available poolside remains a mystery.

  • The underground railroad of short haired girls and bike dudes featured during the Pat Benatar Invincible montage could stand alone as classic camp, including its Thunderdome-like ending.
  • What do writers and directors do without the now-defunct television store fronts filled with dozens of TVs conveniently tuned to the evening news in order for their protagonists to see themselves as misidentified fugitives and renegade outlaws?

How could one ever hope to fill such a void?