1. No one will ever care about your drinking stories as much as you.
  2. Drinking stories never impress the type of woman who one would want to impress.
  3. If you have more than three excellent drinking stories from your entire life, you are incorrect in your estimation of an excellent drinking story.
  4. Drinking stories must always be your own. Telling someone else’s drinking story reaches a level of separation that makes the story no longer tenable.
  5. Even the best drinking stories are seriously compromised if told during the daytime and/or at the workplace.
  6. A drinking story told by someone over the age of 30 or whose spouse is over the age of 30 is a sad, pathetic and ultimately tragic event except under the following conditions:
  • The drinking story has surpassed all other drinking stories and has become the storyteller’s absolute best drinking story of all time.
  • The drinking story is one that occurred before the age of 30 and is one of the storyteller’s three best drinking stories of all time.
  • The storyteller is over 70. Elderly drinking stories are acceptable in any form as they are rare and oftentimes hilarious.