I have a new job.

Frank and Jaime McCourt, owners of the Los Angeles Dodgers and currently engaged in bitter divorce proceedings, paid a psychic hundreds of thousands of dollars over a five-year period to watch Dodger games on his television and send positive thoughts to the team in hopes of boosting their chances of winning. I have many areas of interest in my life. In addition to my future career as a life coach, I am also interested in working in the fields of economics and sociology. History, politics, the law and even physics also intrigue me. When my teaching career comes to a close someday, I could see myself perusing careers in any one of these fields.

But today I’d like to make my new career official:

I declare myself a professional psychic, ready and willing to begin work for any sports team except the New York Jets. For a fee slightly less than that of the clearly ineffectual psychic that the Dodgers hired (their last World Series appearance and win came in 1988), I am willing to send a tsunami of good thoughts to your team over the television airwaves, and if possible, in person as well.

That’s right. I’m a psychic now. And a damn good one, too.

Pretty exciting. Huh?

But please note:

I have one advantage that most psychics do not.

In addition to sending out positive thoughts to your team, I am also perfectly willing to wish destruction and annihilation on your opponent for no extra charge. While most psychics favor the positive realm of spirituality, I am an certified expert when it comes to wishing bad things on people. I am the king of schadenfreude. The champion of negativity.

I have been known to wish for career-ending injuries on certain New York Jets football players, and for the right price, I am willing to offer this service to your team as well.

Put the power of the positive and the negative to work for you today.

Matthew Dicks: teacher, author, DJ, minister, life coach, and now professional psychic.

An exciting day for me, and if you are the owner of a sports franchise, perhaps for you as well.