Last night’s wedding was the first of the year. Amidst the mixing of music and making announcements came the following random thoughts: _______________________________________________
1. I have no respect for a minister or justice of the peace who requires a microphone at a wedding ceremony. The ability to project one’s voice should be a prerequisite for the job.
2. Vodka and Diet Coke are two words that should never be spoken together.
3. One of the most embarrassing moments as a DJ was the night that I accidentally played the Jerry Maguire mix of Springsteen’s Secret Garden, with dialogue by Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger and Cuba Gooding, Jr. interspersed throughout the song. A four-minute cringe that I am reminded of every time I play the correct version of the song (I deleted the Jerry Maguire version immediately after playing it).
4. The bride and groom should never be criticized for scheduling their wedding on the Saturday before Easter. There’s no such thing as Easter Eve, jerk-face.
5. If you are so tall that you can see over the restroom stall, you should never choose the urinal directly adjacent to the stall, especially when the DJ is changing into his tuxedo and likes to put on a fresh pair of underwear prior to a wedding because it makes him feel a little better about the next seven hours he will spend on his feet.
6. When your dress is shorter than the tee-shirt that my wife wears to bed, it ceases being attractive.
7. Announcing that the groom’s favorite hockey team is winning is never recommended, because when the Bruins give up the tying goal with eight minutes left and are eventually forced to win in a shoot-out after a full overtime period, you spend the remainder of the wedding worried that Boston might lose and you will look like a jackass for insisting that the DJ announce the score before the game was over.
8. Flirting with the DJ in order to get him to play The Cupid Shuffle is both ineffectual and embarrassing for the both of us.
9. The value of a competent, experienced maid of honor cannot be overestimated.
10. As much as I love Louis Armstrong’s "What a Wonderful World," Joey Ramone’s version of the song is emphatically better.