Here’s the newest job I want: When a lunatic-intimidating-bully on a reality television show or talk show loses his or her mind and verbally assaults a weaker member of the cast, I’d like the victim of the verbal barrage to be able to hit a big, orange button and tag me in to counterattack.
I have many flaws (I've actually listed them), but verbal combat ain’t one of them.
I love verbal combat.
I am a verbal combat ninja.
I am ruthless, relentless, and well armed for almost any situation.
I am capable of some serious verbal jujitsu.
I can probably thank my evil stepfather for this skill. He provided me with a lifetime of experience in this regard.
Sadly, there are simply not enough opportunities to use this skill in my life. Try as I might, my opportunities for verbal sparring are hampered by a tragic tendency toward reasonability, moderation. and decorum in the general public.
But not on reality television. These shows are chock full of mouthy lunatics and inarticulate, overconfident fools who manage to win verbal sparring contests through sheer force of will.
These are the ones for whom the big, orange button is designed.
Tag me in and let me take them down with a combination of logic and aggression.
Who knows a reality show producer who might be interested in my services?