An end to the ritual of the funeral processional, at least for me

Far be it for me to attempt to eliminate something as solemn and traditional as the funeral procession from the burial traditions of the deceased. I mean, if someone requested that I rid the world of the funeral procession, or if I had the power to do so myself, I would.

But I don’t.

Besides, doing so would be somewhat presumptuous of me. Right?

But just for the record, if I were to die, which would never happen because I plan on living forever, I do not want my remains transported to their final resting place via a funeral processional.

We all have some kind of a GPS technology in our cars or our phones now, and those little flags that you hook onto the car windows look stupid, and there’s no reason to slow down the living just because I’m dead, which again would never happen.

Just plug in the address of the cemetery into your GPS unit and meet me there, which is not necessary since I am planning on immortality.

Besides, I have requested that my ashes be spread in a beautiful but somewhat annoyingly difficult place to reach, so no cemetery ride will be required at all. But if my wife plans some kind of ceremony at this location or you’d like to sprinkle a bit of me as well, then simply input the address of the location into a GPS and go.

No need for a funeral procession, both because they are annoying and because I will never die.


Oh, unless of course I end up as President or Emperor or King and the funeral procession would be some badass parade-like affair, complete with horses and fire engines and elephants and thousands of spectators.


In that case, fine. I can handle a funeral procession.

They are morbid relics of a time long since gone, and they accomplish little save getting in the way of the living.