Overnight adventures, except they weren’t adventures at all and they sucked.

Some nights I wonder if I would’ve been better off never having gone to bed. The course of events from last night is as follows:

Boy wakes up at midnight screaming his head off.

Cat wakes me with head-butt and meow at 1:00, wanting God knows what.

Boy wakes up again at 2:30 with more screaming. I attempt to move but instead writhe in bed for 15 minutes, unable to move my shoulder without crying out in pain. Apparently I have fallen asleep in some sadomasochistic position designed to inflame my previously separated shoulder to newfound heights of agony.

I’m finally able to get out of bed to soothe the inconsolable boy with 150+ rounds of the ABCs.

I awake with a start at 3:30 from a nightmare in which my wife and I accidentally commit murder and discover that we suck at cover-ups. I fear that my eminent incarceration will result in a lifetime devoid of golf, my children and Egg McMuffins.


Cat wakes me at 4:00 with another head-butt, still wanting God knows what.

Dog wakes up at 4:15, demanding to be walked.

Large, unidentified animal in neighbors yard turns a typically three minute bathroom break on the lawn into a 25 minute battle of canine fear and curiosity.

Cat escapes house while I am walking dog. Chase ensues down the street.

The presence of the large, unidentified animal causes dog and cat to sit on my feet as I write this list at 4:50 AM.