It's Columbus Day. Just like last year and every year before, I find myself at home day with my kids, honoring a villain who did nothing worth celebrating, despite what my daughter was taught at school last week.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that you can't discover a place that's already populated with more than 10 million people.
And you can't discover a place that the Vikings actually explored and colonized four hundred years earlier.
I didn't want to tell her that Columbus murdered, mutilated, and enslaved Native Americans, precipitating one of the worst genocides in the history of the world.
I didn't want to tell her that Columbus never actually set foot on the continent. That he mistook the islands of the Caribbean for Asia. That he wasn't even Italian.
When it comes to the stupid things that Americans do, celebrating Columbus Day is one of the most blatantly stupid. It's ridiculous. It's as if we are trying to be stupid.
I'd like to propose an alternative to Columbus Day. Rather than engaging in a protracted fight over which worthy historical figure should be celebrated in his place, I'd like to adopt a modified version of a Russian holiday called Conception Day.
On Conception Day (also known as the Day of Procreation), Russians are given the option of staying home from work to try to make a baby. The holiday was originally initiated by Lenin in order combat low birth rates and reaffirmed a few years ago by Vladimir Putin for similar reasons, adding the chance for cash and prizes to couples who manage to give birth to a child exactly nine months later.
The United States doesn't suffer from a declining population, but why not just give Americans a day off to stay home and have sex?
Even the most ardent (and clearly brain damaged) supporters of Columbus would agree that sex is better than Columbus, and given the laundry list of benefits to having sex, it only makes sense for the government to support a little more fooling around amongst its citizens.
If the United States ever chose to adopt this plan, I want to make it clear that children should not be learning songs about Procreation Day at school.
A song full of lies about a murderous villain is still better than listening to my daughter sing a song that encourages me to have sex.