27 Things I Wish I Had Known 10 Years Earlier

I read a post on Medium entitled 25 Things I Wish I Had Known 10 Years Earlier.

I hated the post. It was filled with platitudes, cliches, and enormous, nonspecific ideas like "Struggle is good" and "Exercise daily" and "Be grateful."

Yuck. I prefer specificity. Things that are more easily understood and applied. Strategies that can be utilized immediately. 

Twenty-five is also far too round a number. It makes me think that one or two items were added or left off the list for the sake of the round number. 

So I made my own list. It's much better. 

1. Never be afraid to talk to the prettiest girl in the room.

2. Always talk to the prettiest girl in the room.

3. The prettiest girl in the room is not necessarily the prettiest person. 

4. Wait to purchase your ideal home. There is no reason to rush into such a large purchase. Cherish the joys of apartment living.

5. Dance often. Dance to songs you both love and loathe. Just dance. 

6. Stay in touch with your childhood friends. Visit whenever possible.  

7. Reasonable people can disagree.

8. Don't gossip. Nothing makes you look uglier. 

9. Fold ace-queen unless you're playing shorthanded.    

10. Don't rely on your friends to teach you golf. Seek the help of professionals. 

11. Delegate relentlessly.

12. When in doubt, never wash any item of clothing owned by a woman.

13. When it comes to parenting, diapers are not a big deal. Car seats are a huge pain in the ass.

14. The things that annoy you most about your children will pass quickly and be replaced by new annoying behaviors.

15. Do the thing you are thinking about doing right now. Today. Thinking about it is simply fear masquerading as thoughtfulness.  

16. When you're under attack, remember that most people are better, smarter, and more courageous than you think. Despicable people - as destructive as they can be - are few and far between.

17. Living well is the best revenge. If that doesn't work, bide your time. You can always ruin your enemies' lives at a later date. Think sneak attack. 

18. Cherish those moments in your work life when your bosses and coworkers are in perfect harmony. They will not last forever. 

19. Always assume that children are more capable than you think. 

20. Those who tell you that your child will inevitably end up sleeping in your bedroom for many, many nights are simply weak-willed invertebrates who have allowed small people to rule their lives.  

21. Make every attempt to befriend - or at least endear yourself to - your friend's spouse. 

22. If you want to be considered the expert at something, declare yourself to be the expert. People will believe you, and then it will be true. 

23. Answer the phone every time a parent calls.

24. People with large, fragile egos are the most dangerous of all people. Be wary of them. 

25. Experienced parents who warn expecting mothers and fathers about all the pitfalls and struggles of parenting are self-loathing cretins who must be silenced whenever possible.

26. Attend live sporting events whenever possible. Watching from home is convenient, but convenience has never resulted in lasting memories. 

27. It is not difficult to drive into and around New York City.